Enough About You-Dohertyk9

“Money seems to have a big role in our society; you can’t do much or get far if you don’t have any. Money is valuable in different ways, even when you don’t see it physically. In today’s society you must have faith in the government and in the banking system that your money is being handled in the proper manner; if not, then you would have to hide all of your money under your mattress or around your house. I have no clue what happens in the banks, or how they take care of your money. I always thought money was simple; you either have some or you don’t—that’s it. However, being introduced to this assignment, the Yap Fei, US gold, French francs, Brazilian cruzeros, and debit accounts now seem similar. You don’t actually see your money being transferred. When you get paid, you aren’t handed cash, you don’t receive a physical check, the money’s all directly transferred to your bank account, and you just have to trust that you got more money.”

1) Sentence: “Money seems to have a big role in our society; you can’t do much or get far if you don’t have any.”

Without “you”: Money seems to have a big role in our society; there isn’t much that can be done without it.

Fix: Money plays such a large role in our society that a person can accomplish next to nothing without it.

2) Sentence: “Money is valuable in different ways, even when you don’t see it physically.“

Without “you”: Money is valuable in different ways, even when it can’t be seen physically.

Fix: Although a physical representation of money may not be present, its value is never questioned.

3) Sentence: “In today’s society you must have faith in the government and in the banking system that your money is being handled in the proper manner; if not, then you would have to hide all of your money under your mattress or around your house.”

Without “you”: In today’s society, we must have faith in the government and in the banking system that our money is being handled in the proper manner; if not, we would have to hide all of our money under the mattress or around our houses.

Fix: We place a lot of faith in our government and in our banks; we blindly trust that at the end of the day, our bank account balance is what it claims to be-the number on the screen or slip of paper. If we didn’t place such strong faith in the system, we would have to resort to stockpiling our money in secret stashes in our homes.

4) Sentence: “I have no clue what happens in the banks, or how they take care of your money.”

Without “you”: I have no clue what happens in the banks, or how they take care of our money.

Fix: Despite utilizing banks as much as anyone else in our society, I am incredibly uninformed, as many are, as to how the money is handled.

5) Sentence: “I always thought money was simple; you either have some or you don’t—that’s it.”

Without “you”: I always thought money was simple; we either have some or we don’t-that’s it.

Fix: Money never seemed that complex; a person is poor or a person is rich.

6) Sentence: “However, being introduced to this assignment, the Yap Fei, US gold, French francs, Brazilian cruzeros, and debit accounts now seem similar.”

Fix: In reality, money is far from that simple; the Yap Fei, U.S. gold, French francs, Brazilian cruzeros, and debit accounts share the same abstract nature.

7) Sentence: “You don’t actually see your money being transferred.“

Without “you”: We don’t actually see our money being transferred.

Fix: No one sees a physical transfer of money; we only see the numbers change.

8) Sentence: “When you get paid, you aren’t handed cash, you don’t receive a physical check, the money’s all directly transferred to your bank account, and you just have to trust that you got more money.”

Without “you”: When we get paid, we aren’t handed cash, we don’t receive a physical check, the money is all directly transferred to our bank accounts, and we just have to trust that we got more money.

Fix: The average job no longer hands employees cash or even checks, but instead electronically transfers payment to their accounts.

 

Revised Paragraph: Money never seemed that complex; a person is poor or a person is rich. In reality, money is far from that simple; the Yap Fei, U.S. gold, French francs, Brazilian cruzeros, and debit accounts share the same abstract nature. No one sees a physical transfer of money; we only see the numbers change. Most jobs no longer hand employees cash or even checks, but instead electronically transfer payment to their accounts. Yet, although a physical representation of money may not be present, its value is never questioned. Despite being incredibly uninformed as to how our money is actually handled, we place a lot of faith in our government and in our banks. We blindly trust that at the end of the day, our bank account balance is what it claims to be-the number on the screen or slip of paper. If we didn’t place such strong faith in the system, we would have to resort to stockpiling our money in secret stashes in our homes.