E13: Editing for Logic

Negative Sports Media

Professional sports are known as great entertainment, but some people only find and report the negative news that they hear or see. News reporters, for example the reporters of newspapers and news shows, don’t always write about what happens on the field, but rather find aspects of what professional players do wrong off of the field.

The first sentence sets up a false contradiction. There’s nothing contradictory about:
A: Sports are great entertainment
B: Reporters go negative
As a consequence, readers don’t know what to make of the very first sentence, and the author loses most of her credibility.

A truer contradiction would be:
A: Sports are thrilling for the physical feats on display in athletic competition.
B: However, many reporters ignore the spectacle on the field and concentrate only on reporting negative off-the-field activities.

This is exactly the content of the second sentence, a clear demonstration that the first sentence was wasteful and confusing.

Exercise: Rewrite the first paragraph in a Reply below, in one sentence or two.

  • Identify your comment as “Negative Sports Media.”

Learning in Our Sleep

Sleep is the most effective tool a person can utilize when wanting to improve the performance and efficiency of their brain. The more sleep someone gets the better their performance on exams and anything they are trying to learn will be.

The sentences Fail For Grammar (FFG) twice for pronoun disagreement (a person/their brain) (someone/their performance/they). But besides that they’re also quite wordy and get the essay off to a very slow start.

It says: Sleep is the most effective tool a person can utilize when wanting to improve the performance and efficiency of their brain.
Which means: Sleep improves the brain’s efficiency.

It says: The more sleep someone gets the better their performance on exams and anything they are trying to learn will be.
Which means: Sleeping longer helps us learn and perform better on exams.

Exercise: Rewrite the first paragraph in a Reply below, in two sentences (or one if you can manage it). Consider using a brief, simple illustration. The tone is informational but light.

  • Identify your comment as “Hooray Sleep.”

Failing Schools

The replacement of large failing public schools with smaller “specialized” schools will successfully guide underprivileged students in the right direction to become successful. Many disadvantaged students in areas like New York City are forced to attend large high schools with extremely low graduation rates. These high schools are overcrowded with students and understaffed with teachers. Classrooms are filled above capacity and the “schools are simply under managed.” These inner city areas consist of countless students living in poverty and receiving an education without the proper motivation and techniques needed to succeed.

The sentences introduce plenty of material but are wordy and repetitious.

Fat: The replacement of large failing public schools with smaller “specialized” schools will successfully guide underprivileged students in the right direction to become successful
Lean: Underprivileged students are more likely to succeed when large failing public schools are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools.

Fat: Many disadvantaged students in areas like New York City are forced to attend large high schools with extremely low graduation rates.
Lean (combine with 1st sentence): Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when large failing public schools are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools.

Fat:These high schools are overcrowded with students and understaffed with teachers.
Lean: (Combine 1st 3 sentences): Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools.

Fat: Classrooms are filled above capacity and the “schools are simply under managed.”
Lean (combine with 1, 2, 3): Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, says Bill Moyers.

Fat: These inner city areas consist of countless students living in poverty and receiving an education without the proper motivation and techniques needed to succeed.
Lean: Inner-city students already living in poverty deserve better than failing schools that don’t motivate them or teach them to succeed.

Final Product: 

Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, says Bill Moyers. Inner-city students already living in poverty deserve better than failing schools that don’t motivate them or teach them to succeed.

Exercise: Expand the final two-sentence version back out to three or four sentences, adding a hook, a brief illustration, or an expression of opinion.

  • Identify your comment as “Failing Schools.”

Death with Dignity

Paul Lamb, 57, was left quadriplegic in a horrific car accident twenty- three years ago. He lives day by day in pain. His only release is the constant drip of morphine into his body. Mr. Lamb is not the man that he wanted to be, having to be dependent on the help from others. He describes his life as “unbearable” because of the intense pain. He has gone to court multiple times in the hope that someone will be merciful and allow him to end his suffering, but he got rejected.

The paragraph suffers from a choppy, repetitive sentence structure. Every sentence begins with Paul Lamb or a pronoun referring to Paul Lamb. The result is a series of  five unrelated statements that make no argument.

One Solution: Paul Lamb, 57, deserves the right to be released from his pain and dependency. For 23 years, he has lived in unbearable pain, or debilitated by a morphine drip that eases the body’s agony without relieving his total dependence on others since quadriplegia deprived him of the use of his limbs. Since he cannot be the man he wants to be, Lamb has spent years unsuccessfully battling the courts for the right to end his suffering.

Exercise: Rewrite the same material to emphasize why Mr. Lamb, and nobody else, should have the right to decide his fate.

  • Identify your comment as “Mr. Lamb’s Dignified Death.”

89 Responses to E13: Editing for Logic

  1. dublin517 says:

    Failing schools:
    Success in our modern society requires some form of education, acquiring higher knowledge is integral in being a functioning member of society. Underprivileged students in New York City are more likely to graduate when the overcrowded, understaffed, badly managed public schools they’re forced to attend are replaced with smaller “specialized” schools, says Bill Moyers. Inner-city students already living in poverty deserve better than failing schools that don’t motivate them or teach them to succeed. Revamping existing school systems is a possible solution to provide the education necessary for higher achievement.

    Like

    • davidbdale says:

      education, acquiring

      You’ve combined two independent clauses with a comma. That’s an illegal form of runon called a Comma Splice. Fix it with a period, a semicolon, or a subordinator.

      Like

  2. dublin517 says:

    Mr. Lamb’s Dignified Death:
    Paul Lamb’s life has been full of pain and morphine for 23 years now. The 57 year old man suffers on a daily basis, relying on others to take care of him. The option for Lamb to decide to end his suffering should be made available; as he has already expressed his desire to do so. Control over his day to day existence is dictated by others, this could be a way for Lamb to finally take control of his life that he lost 23 years ago.

    Like

    • davidbdale says:

      I’m responding fully to your replies here, Dublin, because I’m impressed that you’re still working on your writing. I respect that.

      Paul Lamb’s life has been full of pain and morphine for 23 years now.
      [His life has been full of morphine?]

      The 57 year old man
      [57-year-old man] [for the record, that would also make him a 57-year-old] [but, just to be clear, he would still be 57 years old]

      suffers on a daily basis, relying on others to take care of him. The option for Lamb to decide to end his suffering should be made available; as he
      [this is your first semicolon, and it’s wrong. 😉 ]
      [CORRECT: The option for Lamb to decide to end his suffering should be made available; as he
      [CORRECT: The option for Lamb to decide to end his suffering should be made available. He has already expressed expressed his desire to do so.]
      [CORRECT: The option for Lamb to decide to end his suffering should be made available; he has already expressed expressed his desire to do so.]
      [CORRECT: The option for Lamb to decide to end his suffering should be made available as he has already expressed expressed his desire to do so.]
      [CORRECT: Since he has already expressed expressed his desire to do so, the option for Lamb to decide to end his suffering should be made available.]

      [One more thing about this sentence. It’s unclear what Mr. Lamb has expressed his desire to do. Does he want to “decide,” or does he want to “end his life”?]

      Control over his day to day existence is dictated by others, this could be a way for Lamb to finally take control of his life that he lost 23 years ago.
      [Two things here. THIS is a sentence that needs a semicolon, a period, or a conjunction.] [Did he lose control 23 years ago, or did he lose his life 23 years ago?]

      Like

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