Causal Argument Rewrite- paTricKStar123

The lives of our future leaders are at stake!

College is a place we come to enhance our education, to learn more about ourselves, and to choose our career paths. None of that happens without stress. While most students want on-campus housing to gain the experience of living on our own, dorm life can be a stressful and intimidating environment. Yes, it’s fun and exciting to leave family, friends, and arrive at college knowing only a handful of people, but it also subjects us to a normal life process known as “challenge stress” or “eustress.” Unlike distress stress that can be debilitating, eustress pushes students beyond our fears to reach our goals, encouraging us to bring new ideas to our ever-growing world, like how to get along with a roommate we don’t like.

On the other hand for students who are unprepared to meet these challenges that quickly arrive with growing up and going to college; these challenges can be draining. “According to a 2013 American Psychological Association survey, about one-third of college students have experienced depression within the past year and had difficulty functioning because of it” (Pedrelli, at et. 2015). Mental illness has been the topic of interest for years. Especially now, that hundreds of thousands of students are being affected worldwide. Depression and anxiety are one of the most common mental illnesses you can see on campus. Among the mental disorders, students have reported bipolar disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, schizophrenia, substance abuse or addiction, and “other addictions.” The main reason for the numbers to not be decreasing is lack of advertising and their methods for treatment.

Correspondingly, Colleges fail in helping because they rarely promote their services. How can you expect students to ask for help when universities show their services only at the beginning of orientation. Furthermore, the way they go about trying to educate and help students is all wrong.As stated by Medical Care Research and Review, “Perceived public stigma was considerably higher than personal stigma.” Nobody wants to seem different and feel judged so making these services seem not welcoming will cause most students to hesitate to go. Additionally, these services single out students in a way because the only people interested are those who need help. What health services can do is set up incentives such as food and gear for going to meetings. This way more students will want to come, and others won’t feel singled out when approaching for information.

The traditional colleges offer mental health counseling but only say things about counseling during the orientation after that nothing else. Universities fail to tell students how they can cope with stress and don’t explain how you can distinguish between Eustress and Distress. Instead, they warn you about substances you may encounter and give numbers for services to call but the problem is many Students are nervous and don’t want to feel weird about talking to another person about problems. As a student who has attended both a traditional and community college, I can say there is a huge difference. My community college failed even to promote these services. In a recent study, the American College Counseling Association Community College Task Force (2010) found that 95% of community colleges have no contracted on-site psychiatry services, compared to 58.8% of traditional universities (Gallagher, 2012). Which proves my point 95% of community colleges don’t offer any psychiatry services, this is outrageous when we know there is a problem. Even so, Traditional universities only provide 58.8 %; for the tens of thousands paid every semester this is plain sad. These undergraduates deserve to have what they paid for.

Next, Universities need to work on their approach to educating these young adults. Recent studies found mindfulness to help combat stress and strengthen emotional health. While mindfulness can be difficult to achieve at first, it is not impossible with practice. This alternative coping method is relatively new, and results vary from person to person. “The basic premise underlying mindfulness practices is that experiencing the present moment nonjudgmentally and openly can effectively counter the effects of stressors, it can help students remain focused and calm” (Hofmann et al. 2010). The way mindfulness can help is for students who used negative coping methods such as self-harm, substance and alcohol abuse, or even have bad reoccurring thoughts, it can allow you to change your personality and curve your impulses. “This suggests that for individuals who observe in a non-reactive manner, observation may relate to lower levels of substance use.” This doesn’t have to be for those who are seeking help which is great because no one is singled out. Second, it allows for students to be able to learn these skill and use it virtually anytime.

Lastly, we cannot afford not to have this health program on campus because it is dire not only for the university itself but undergrads. Over the years accumulation of stories surface of college students, committing suicide, overdosing, getting alcohol poisoning, and some even hurting others. For the universities sake as well as its students; things need to change to help reduce these tragedies. Not only can this help its undergrads but save the university from financial lawsuits and reputation. A more recently written article by
Eugene V. Beresin, M.D., who is Professor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School states more than 1,000 suicides take place on college campuses each year which turns out to be about two to three per day. Dr. Beresin writes in his research about how schools should increase their access to mental health counseling as well as having foster community counseling and support forum to try to reduce the stigma that occurs with receiving help. With students suffering and losing their lives over this condition, they can’t control. I don’t understand why no one wants to help. Statistics show that “80-90% of college students who die by suicide were not receiving help from college counseling centers” (Beresin, 2017). The excuses and claims made by critics are put to rest after this cold hard fact. It is as simple as taking the initiative.

To summarize as a whole, we need to speak up to improve our universities goal of helping its students. The rising increase from year’s statistics shows that students with mental illness are dangerously increasing. Throughout the years these students have suffered and deserve to be help. We pay thousands of dollars to go to a university in the hope of bettering our education, so it is their responsibility of holding us in a safe environment to do so. That being said, the education system should do everything in their power to help create a stable, safe environment for all students. By improving their mental health services on campus, they will give students an opportunity to achieve their dreams for the future. These undergrads have plenty of weight on their shoulders, dealing with this disease, let’s help them stay on track.
References

Beresin, E. (2017, February 27). The College Mental Health Crisis: Focus on Suicide.

Bowen, S. (03/2014). Relationship between dispositional mindfulness and substance use: Findings from a clinical sampleElsevier.10.1016/j.addbeh.2013.10.026

Hofmann, S. G., Sawyer, A. T., Witt, A. A., & Oh, D. (2010). The effect of mindfulness-based therapy on anxiety and depression: A meta-analytic review. Journal Of Consulting And Clinical Psychology, 78(2), 169-183. doi:10.1037/a0018555

Katz, D. (2013). Community college student mental health: A comparative analysis (Order No. 3572817). Available from ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global. (1434835907).

Moise, G. (2014). Good stress or bad stress? relationships between stress appraisals and strains in health care practitioners (Order No. 3630437). Available from ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global. (1563382680).

Pedrelli, P., Nyer, M., Yeung, A., Zulauf, C., & Wilens, T. (2015). College Students: Mental Health Problems and Treatment Considerations. Academic Psychiatry : The Journal of the American Association of Directors of Psychiatric Residency Training and the Association for Academic Psychiatry, 39(5), 503–511.

3 thoughts on “Causal Argument Rewrite- paTricKStar123”

  1. You haven’t said what kind of feedback you want, PS, and I recall that we did some feedback together on your early draft of this argument, so I’m going to start with some stylistic advice, assuming you’re at the “final polish” stage. If I’m wrong to assume that, let me know. I’m sure I could offer advice about your argument strategy or your use of sources as well.

    Your first paragraph:

    College is a place where we go to further enhance our education. This is where students come to learn more about themselves and choose their career paths for the future. This set environment could be very intimidating. For most students they go to dorm to gain the experience of living on their own. While this may seem fun and exciting many leave their families and friends and come to college only knowing a handful of people. there are many stressors that come with college. While some may argue that stress is a normal life process that everyone goes through. the only difference that people fail to mention is that there are two different types of stressors. The first is called Challenge stressors or commonly known as Eustress. This is the stress that pushes you to reach your goals and go past your limits. This encourages students to rise up to new challenges and bring new ideas and concept to our ever growing world.

    Several small issues jump right out. You fail to capitalize the first word of two of your sentences. You’ve also written an obvious fragment. Those obvious errors indicate that you’re not proofreading your work well. If you looked at the paragraph closely, you would see these errors immediately. Therefore, I will point out even things you should be seeing yourself, along with more sophisticated advice for improvements.

    College is a place where we go to further enhance our education. This is where students come to learn more about themselves and choose their career paths for the future.

    You start by confusing us with two sets of subjects. WE go to college in the first sentence. STUDENTS go to college in the second. You need to decide whether you’re writing as an observer or as a student. I’m going to choose for you because the first person plural is such a useful tool for making friends with your readers.

    College is a place we come to enhance our education, to learn more about ourselves, and to choose our career paths.

    Moving on:

    This set environment could be very intimidating. For most students they go to dorm to gain the experience of living on their own. While this may seem fun and exciting many leave their families and friends and come to college only knowing a handful of people. there are many stressors that come with college.

    Your last sentence needs to start with a capital letter. Your construction: “For most students they” is a classic misplaced modifier. A legal sentence would start, “For most students, college.” No sentence should start with There is, or There are, or It is, or They are, if you can avoid it. Certainly not more than once in a paragraph. Your “only” is in the wrong place to modify “a handful.”

    While most students choose on-campus housing to gain the experience of living on our own, dorm life be an intimidating environment. Yes, it’s fun and exciting to leave family and friends, and arrive at college knowing only a handful of people, but it’s also stressful.

    You seem to favor “While X, nevertheless Y” sentences. They can be useful, but if you use them for every claim, you appear to be wishy-washy, uncertain of your own position.

    While some may argue that stress is a normal life process that everyone goes through. the only difference that people fail to mention is that there are two different types of stressors.

    Again your sentence needs an initial capital. Also, only one of these constructions is a sentence. The one beginning with “while” is a fragment. You’ve chosen the singular pronoun “everyone,” which can create problems of subject/verb agreement. The safer choice is the plural “all students.” We won’t have to choose between “him” and “her.” Plus, we’re already using “us” and “we.”

    Stress is a normal life process, and all freshmen will experience it. One type makes us more productive; the other can be debilitating.

    This Promise you’ve just made may not be necessary, depending on what follows. Perhaps we can incorporate the promise and its fulfillment.

    The first is called Challenge stressors or commonly known as Eustress. This is the stress that pushes you to reach your goals and go past your limits. This encourages students to rise up to new challenges and bring new ideas and concept to our ever growing world.

    Your singular “is” and plural “stressors” will bother careful readers. Your desire to capitalize Challenge stressors and Eustress is understandable but grammatically incorrect. You could use italics or quotation marks to emphasize the new term the first time you use it. We’ve banned 2nd-person language in this course, so you’ll have to edit out all “you” speech. A hyphen is needed for ever-growing world.

    “Challenge stress,” also known as “eustress,” pushes students beyond our fears to reach our goals, encouraging us to bring new ideas to our ever-growing world.

    Apparently you’re delivering on only half of your Promise. The prior sentences warned of bad stress, but you’re devoting the end of your paragraph to naming and describing only good stress.

    Now to put together the pieces before a final polish:

    College is a place we come to enhance our education, to learn more about ourselves, and to choose our career paths. While most students choose on-campus housing to gain the experience of living on our own, dorm life be an intimidating environment. Yes, it’s fun and exciting to leave family and friends, and arrive at college knowing only a handful of people, but it’s also stressful. Stress is a normal life process, and all freshmen will experience it. One type makes us more productive; the other can be debilitating. “Challenge stress,” also known as “eustress,” pushes students beyond our fears to reach our goals, encouraging us to bring new ideas to our ever-growing world.

    Much better, I think. I hope you’ll agree. But one last pass can make us better tour guides. Let readers know the destination, guide them through the steps. Arrive together.

    College is a place we come to enhance our education, to learn more about ourselves, and to choose our career paths. None of that happens without stress. While most students choose on-campus housing to gain the experience of living on our own, dorm life be a stressful, intimidating environment. Yes, it’s fun and exciting to leave family and friends, and arrive at college knowing only a handful of people, but it also subjects us to a normal life process known as “challenge stress” or “eustress.” Unlike negative stress that can be debilitating, eustress pushes students beyond our fears to reach our goals, encouraging us to bring new ideas to our ever-growing world, like how to get along with a roommate we don’t like.

    If that’s not the sort of feedback you desire, PS, please ask specifically in a Reply below and put your post back into Feedback Please.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s