Open Strong – PaulaJean5

By the time somebody goes through middle school, they will most likely have heard of Anne Frank. Anne Frank is a famous diarist who also was a Jewish victim of the Holocaust. In recent years, Anne Frank was baptized by the Mormon Church multiple times. This violated a pact made between the Mormon Church and Jewish leaders. Given that Anne Frank was Jewish and baptism is not something she believed in, how unethical does that make this act?

This entry was posted in PaulaJean. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Open Strong – PaulaJean5

  1. davidbdale says:

    PJ, there’s no category for this exercise because the place to post your paragraph was as a Reply to the Exercise page.
    https://rowancounterintuitive.com/2018/01/09/open-strong-exercise/
    You can copy and paste this version there if you like. Or you can revise it if you want to improve it.

    For an opening that is supposed to grab immediate attention with a robust claim, your paragraph takes its time, PJ. The first sentence says nothing but that we’re familiar with Anne Frank. The second is redundant if the first is true. The third says something quite amazing but buries the startling detail that she’s been baptized more than once and that all have taken place after her death.

    You can write any way you wish, PJ, and if starting slowly is your style, I’ll stop badgering you to adopt a different technique. But this one time, for this exercise at least, I’d like to suggest that subtle changes to your sentences can create intrigue and interest, urging readers forward.

    Because we read about her in middle school, we think we know all about Anne Frank, whose diary chronicled the persecution of her Jewish family by the Nazis. But long after her death, Anne is still the victim of religious persecution, this time by the Mormon church. Jewish leaders thought they had arrived at a pact with the Mormons to stop baptizing Jews post mortem, but they persist in trying to induct her into their religion without anyone’s permission.

    Does that work for you as an example? That hint in the opening sentence that there’s something WE DON’T KNOW about Anne Frank, instead of the observation that we’re already familiar with her, turns a cold shoulder into a tease.

    I thrive on the interaction, PJ.
    If you respond, I’ll learn that you value feedback.

    Like

    • paulajean5 says:

      Yes, I agree. I think that would strengthen my opening a lot. I think a stronger first sentence and adding those details would really help it.

      Like

    • paulajean5 says:

      Also, I copied this to the correct place and did not revise. I did take notice of what I could have changed and will use that for next time!

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s