Proposal +5 –todayistheday

Proposal : It seems counterintuitive to trust a company with blood on their hands. SeaWorld continues to claim their mission is to help animals by providing a safe environment for them to live. They repress the fact that they rip these animals away from their natural habitats. SeaWorld is the ultimate hypocrite; they state they’re saving these animals when in reality they’re imprisoning them for their own gain.  For a company who publicly dedicates them to animal rights but behind closed doors they have no problem shoving their prisoners back into their cells. For a company so open and adamant about giving their animals the best care and love, they are silent when their whales die unnaturally.

Roll, Jordan, Roll: The World of Slave Trade https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=fHtvU_6EC9EC&oi=fnd&pg=PA1&dq=slaves&ots=2uRLzmvPcv&sig=jGXpHVF0SRBk0hGcKZew5rAsX-k#v=onepage&q=slaves&f=false

Essential Content of Article:  Slaves for the most part believed they were inferior and that their lives were meant to work for the white man.  Slaves either obey or die.  Africans were ripped away from their home country and sold off to whites so they could work until they died in this foreign land.

What it proves: This article is going to help connect similarities between African slaves and animals within SeaWorld parks.  They are ripped away from their natural habitat only to forced into working for their masters. Neither animals in SeaWorld parks or slaves have/had any hope of freedom.

 

What will the future bring? Prison mental health care in England http://eds.a.ebscohost.com.ezproxy.rowan.edu/ehost/pdfviewer/pdfviewer?vid=1&sid=c6ff13f6-822d-4f87-ac10-67b21358404c%40sessionmgr4008

 

Essential Content of Article: This article gives statistics of inmate’s mental health condition within England’s prison system. The estimate that the proportion of people with mental health problems within in prisons is 90%.

What it proves: This article is going to help me connect SeaWorld’s animals to inmates.  Both are confined to small areas for most of the day. This article takes a look at what being confined within concrete walls can do to the human brain.  Seeing such a high risk of mental health and suicide rates with human inmates, it can allow me to question what it must do to the animal prisoners at SeaWorld.

Kidnapping and Mental Health in Iraqi Refugees: The Role of Resilience https://link-springer-com.ezproxy.rowan.edu/article/10.1007%2Fs10903-015-0340-8

Essential Content of Article: This is a study conducted to observe the presence of Post traumatic stress disorder and major depression disorder with kidnapping victims.  The study conducts the experiment on Iraqi refugees, especially those who had been kidnapped.  Results indicated those diagnosed with PTSD were more likely to have been kidnapped.

What it proves: This article gives me evidence to prove kidnapping indicates a higher likelihood to develop PSTD.  I will explain PTSD and its symptoms.  Then I will discuss this study.  This will allow me to describe how orcas were taken from the wild.  Orcas usually stay with their family their whole lives.  But when they’re kidnapped they suffer greatly at the expense of entertainment.

Breaking News: The last generation of orcas at SeaWorld https://seaworldcares.com/2016/03/Breaking-News-The-Last-Generation-of-Orcas-at-SeaWorld/

Essential Content of Article: SeaWorld states they will not release the remaining orcas, because they would not be able to handle the elements and dangers of the wild.  They then state that the orcas will remain in the love and care of SeaWorld.

What it proves: By collecting a statement from SeaWorld that disagrees with my claim it will help me further prove my point. Even though SeaWorld hasn’t collected an orca from the wild in 40 years they are still reaping the benefits of those captured orcas.  They deny the request to free orcas into the wild because of the dangers of elements they aren’t accustomed too.

FOLLOW WITH THIS ARTICLE

Jean-Michel Cousteau: SeaWorld should set captive orcas free https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/apr/27/seaworld-free-captive-orcas-jean-michel-cousteau

Essential Content of Article: An oceanographer believes orcas can be successively reintroduced into their wild habitat.   By using seaside sanctuaries captive orcas can be adjusted to hunting for food and learning the techniques of wild orcas.

What it proves: This article, although it agrees with my opinion, does not echo my thesis.  It is going to be used as facts to dispute the SeaWorld claim that orcas cannot safely be released to the wild.  This scientifically proves that seaside sanctuaries could be the answer to releasing the orcas.

 

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3 Responses to Proposal +5 –todayistheday

  1. todayistheday19 says:

    I know it’s late for feedback before the deadline, but I just wanted to know if my proposal could be cut down? I know some parts are a bit repetative but I’m not sure which lines to be cut out. I hope to adjust this with your feedback later. Your feedback is always helpful in bettering my assignments. Thank you!

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    • davidbdale says:

      TodayIsTheDay, I understand you to be looking for advice about your Proposal paragraph, not your +5, so I’ll limit my remarks for now to the Proposal.

      I believe I can show you better sentences that may help you.
      Let’s build some complex sentences, putting the primary claim in the independent clause, supporting or contrasting it with dependent clauses.

      ALTHOUGH SeaWorld continues to claim their mission is to help animals by providing a safe environment for them to live, they repress the fact that they rip these animals away from their natural habitats.

      The “For a company . . . they have no problem” construction is a tricky one, best avoided unless you are traveling in satire. A more straightforward method of pointing out hypocrisy is to find and exploit the difference between public and private:

      While in public the company declares its dedication to animal rights, behind closed doors it has no problem shoving its prisoners back into their cells.

      You do two of these in a row, so again public openness vs private secrecy:

      During shows they openly proclaim their care and devotion to their animals, but when their whales die unnaturally, they are secretive and silent.

      You need to resolve the problem that Sea World can be SINGULAR (one company) or PLURAL (many employees). You alternate between these choices.

      IT proclaims it devotion to the animals.
      THEY proclaim their devotion to the animals.
      SEAWORLD believes in its conservation mission.
      SEAWORLD employees believe in their own humanity.

      Was that helpful? Make any revisions you like before I get back to do grades.

      Like

  2. todayistheday19 says:

    Yes that is helpful, I’ll be revising it later today. Thank you! Could you also help me with my +5?

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