0:00- The video starts off with what seems to be a nice sophisticated man. His short orange brown hair is slicked back with gel. His face is freshly shaved with some stubbles on his cheek. He is wearing a light blue button down shirt with a red tie. He looks like he is in the working-class, possibly going to an office job. His face is brightened, because he is looking out a window.His mouth is open, and his hand is going towards his mouth as if he is eating something. In the background there are brown cabinets against the wall, therefore he is probably in his kitchen.
0:01- The camera has now backed up, and a woman is to the left of the frame. Her hair is tied in a ponytail, and she has on a nice olive green shirt on. She is reading the newspaper, with a glass of orange juice next to her and a plate. They are both probably eating breakfast together, before the man has to go to work. They are most likely husband and wife. A little further back to the right is the nicely cleaned up man. He has a plate in his hand, because he was eating breakfast. You can clearly see the setting now. The man is by the sink looking out the window. Their stove is connected to their counter next to the sink. The woman is standing on the opposite side of the counter than the man.
0:03-0:05- Is a close up of the man washing his dish. Then it cuts to his wife smiling because he is cleaning up after himself. He seems very tidy and helpful.
0:06- Shows the man walking out to his car with a leather bag around his arm. He is looking over to his left at his neighbor, with his hand raised waving to his neighbor. There is an orange cord tangled up on the floor, his neighbor is bent over trying to up tangle this cord. The neighborhood the man lives in looks middle-class. He has an average everyday car.
0:07-0:09- Shows the man with the neighbors hose in his right hand. The hose is on, and the man is spraying what looks to be the neighbors bush. To the right of the screen you can see the neighbor slightly blurred. He looks elderly. He is short, olive skinned, and he has big squared glasses. He has a huge smile on his face, because the nice looking man is helping him out.
0:10-0:13- The nice man has now made it to work it looks like. His setting looks to be in an office break room. There is a bulletin board with papers hanging on it. There is a man and a woman sitting at a round table with mugs in front of them. They are both dressed professionally. The man has a button down shirt on with a vest over top. And the woman has a nice dress shirt on with a cardigan over it. In the background is the nice man with a coffee pot in his hand, that is filled with coffee. He walks over to the round table his ‘co workers’ are sitting at, and pours the coffee into their cup. The man the proceeds to look up, and smiles to the nice man.
0:14-0:15- Is the nice man in line at the grocery store. He is holding a bunch of vegetables in his hand. He looks at the man behind him. The man behind him has a pineapple in his hand. The nice man the proceeds to nudge his head signaling the older man behind him to get in front of him in line. The man with the pineapple in his hand lifts the pineapple, nods, and smiles thanking the nice man. The older man behind him steps in front of him, and gets in front of him.
0:16- The nice man is now in the car. Outside of the car’s windows is blurry. I looks like the nice man is driving. He is looking over his shoulder and down. It looks like he is looking at the center console of the car. He has sort of a confused look on his face as if he is trying to read something.
0:17- It is a closeup of a phone. The phone is lit up with what seems to be a text message notification. The nice man’s hand comes into the screen, as he reaches over and grabs his phone off the passenger seat.
0:18- The nice looking man is still driving because outside the windows is still blurry. The nice looking man is now looking down in front of him. One of his hands is on the steering wheel, and the other hand is holding his phone. He is has a half smirk on his face, as he is reading the message on his phone.
0:19- This is an overview of the nice mans car coming to a stop at the intersection. From the scene before you know he is still looking at his phone. There is pedestrians crossing the road, and it seems like the nice man is going to hit them.
0:20- A red car with his passenger window down pulls up next to the nice man, and he smiles at him but quickly realizes the nice man is on his phone. So the guy in the car next to him changes his facial expression to a look of disappointment.
0:22- The nice man looks over to his left, and see the guy looking at him. The young man looks embarrassed to be on his phone.
0:24- The nice man now looks over to his right, and this older woman in a blue shirt is sitting on a bench. She looks very sweet and she is smiling at him. But then she realizes he is on his phone, and she gives him a mean look. She raises her eyebrows and opens her eyes big.
0:25- The nice man realizes and he drops his phone and looks forward again.
0:26- The scene cuts back to the older woman and zooms in on her staring at him.
0:27- The camera cuts back to the nice man and he drops his phone and nods his heads towards her to show he acknowledged her. Then the nice man looks forward and proceeds to drive away.
Rowan Counterintuitive 
I’ve seen this video before, yoshi, so I’ll have to suppress what I already know about it when I review your first draft. I’ll look at just the first second and we’ll compare notes about the very early visuals.
Here’s what you said about the first second:
0:00- The video starts off with what seems to be a nice sophisticated man. His short orange brown hair is slicked back with gel. His face is freshly shaved with some stubbles on his cheek. He is wearing a light blue button down shirt with a red tie. He looks like he is in the working-class, possibly going to an office job. His face is brightened, because he is looking out a window. His mouth is open, and his hand is going towards his mouth as if he is eating something. In the background there are brown cabinets against the wall, therefore he is probably in his kitchen.
0:01- The camera has now backed up, and a woman is to the left of the frame. Her hair is tied in a ponytail, and she has on a nice olive green shirt on. She is reading the newspaper, with a glass of orange juice next to her and a plate. They are both probably eating breakfast together, before the man has to go to work. They are most likely husband and wife. A little further back to the right is the nicely cleaned up man. He has a plate in his hand, because he was eating breakfast. You can clearly see the setting now. The man is by the sink looking out the window. Their stove is connected to their counter next to the sink. The woman is standing on the opposite side of the counter than the man.
You’re doing fine, yoshi. Your level of detail is perfectly appropriate for a first draft. You draw reasonable conclusions. Are you a critical viewer, is the question; are you attentive enough to catch the earliest clues to the argument being made? I have some specific questions.
—Are you sure about Todd? To me the stubble is more conclusive than what you call his “freshly-shaved” appearance. How can both be true? Shaving eliminates stubble. Is it possible he’s just not that concerned about his appearance? Not to judge him; he might be a superior being for whom appearance is trivial.
—He’s dressed in button-down and tie, but do the cuffs seem frayed to you? Is the shirt what you’d call freshly pressed, or a bit rumpled?
—Why is he eating at the sink? Of course it’s a trivial detail, but . . . the director could have chosen ANYTHING for our first view of Todd and gave us this. He has picked a last morsel off his plate to toss in his mouth before he rinses his plate. Huh? I’m calling him Todd because the tag identifies him, but unless he’s named in the voiceover, viewers won’t know his name. Just a convenience for these notes.
—Those cabinets behind him are decidedly last century. If Todd or his wife seeks status, one of them would want those cabinets updated. Since the director made this deliberate choice, the implication is that the couple aren’t concerned about surface appearances.
—Something about Todd’s performance at the sink is a little over the top, a bit cartoonish. Is this a satire? In one second, is has managed to seem exaggerated.
[By my count, the “wife” doesn’t appear until the second second (:02), but you went there, so I’ll watch that far.]
—Wow. Does this kitchen/house make sense to you?
—New replacement stainless steel refrigerator and oven, plus a “pro-style” cooktop, in a kitchen with grandma’s cabinets and a tile countertop? Not to mention the granny furnishings in the dining room. What could this mean? Did they inherit the house from her parents and update just the appliances? Mixed signals! What was the filmmaker thinking?
—What possible advantage could the director gain from setting up a situation in which appearances don’t accurately reflect reality?
Am I over-concluding, Yoshi? Or is it reasonable that someone with lots of time and resources would be careful to craft a very nuanced message?
Is this useful feedback? Will it help you analyze (over-analyze?) the remaining 30 seconds?
I’d appreciate your response, Yoshi. Thank you.
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Could you please help me get more detail out of the last few seconds of the video. I can’t seem to think of anything else. Thank you.
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I have a million things to say about the last few seconds of the video, Yoshi, but I had a lot to say about the first few seconds that don’t seem to have made an impression on your draft so far. Is this a revised version?
If you’ll first indicate to me that you’re responsive to feedback, you’ll find me extremely generous with my time and recommendations, but you have to respond first when you’ve already received substantial notes. Deal?
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this is my first draft I started to revise the draft and I took your feedback into consideration but I am stuck on the last few seconds… I haven’t even posted the second draft yet. I am still attempting to revise it.
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Post an early draft of your Visual Rewrite and I will read and react to it today, Yoshi. I’ll understand better how to help you if you show me how you’re responding to feedback.
You can ALWAYS improve your Rewrite after it’s posted, so don’t worry about being judged by the first version.
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