E04: Open Strong

  1. What if a large number of scientific studies had found there was one activity that could improve our cognitive function, help our memory systems to work, help us to learn language, help us to moderate our emotional state, help us to solve complex problems, and help our brains to be healthier. (Collins) Now think what if it turned out that the one thing that could make such a huge impact was being taken out of the public school system due to funding. One would think something that is able to make such a huge impact on those who part take we would want to get that to the masses. This special thing is no drug but what it is music. Music education alone when looked at in the macro sense should be seen as something all schools should part take in. The hypothesis of this essay will be the adverse affects of cutting music programs and how detrimental it actually is to the student body.

2. The effects of music education in the public school system has made tremendous achievements. It has been proven thru many studies that music education helps in cognitive effects within its students. But yet at this day and age its coming down to funding that music education is being taken out of lower-income and urban areas In doing so it causes students to lose out on advantages that come with taking on music. A study done  by neuroscientist had discovered that in many cases the brains of musicians functioned far more effectively than those who weren’t. By taking away the music program its a field that the schools system fails to tap into and use to their advantage to better their students. My hypothesis will be the important role that music education plays in the school curriculum.

2 thoughts on “E04: Open Strong”

  2. What if a large number of scientific studies had found there was one activity that could improve our cognitive function, help our memory systems to work, help us to learn language, help us to moderate our emotional state, help us to solve complex problems, and help our brains to be healthier. [That’s a question. Needs a question mark.] (Collins) [Let’s remove all the extra language, especially phrases like “There is” and “There was an activity That.”

    What if science had proved that one activity could improve our cognitive function, memory, and general brain health; while enhancing our abilities to learn language, moderate our emotional state, and solve complex problems?

    Now think what if it turned out that the one thing that could make such a huge impact was being taken out of the public school system due to funding. [This one isn’t a question because it begins with the imperative: Now think.] [Let’s remove all that extra language again.]

    To save money, that very beneficial thing is being taken out of the public school system!

    One would think something that is able to make such a huge impact on those who part take we would want to get that to the masses. This special thing is no drug but what it is music. [You’ve already established the craziness of eliminating that thing. The fake surprise that the thing is music, not drugs, is a little cheesy.]

    Music education, the educational miracle that provides all those benefits, needs to be part of every school curriculum.

    Music education alone when looked at in the macro sense should be seen as something all schools should part take in. [Just said that.]
    The hypothesis of this essay will be the adverse affects of cutting music programs and how detrimental it actually is to the student body. [Should be obvious that cutting something so beneficial will be detrimental.]

    NEW PARAGRAPH: Science has proved that one activity improves our cognitive function, memory and general brain health, while enhancing our abilities to learn language, moderate our emotional state, and solve complex problems. That pedagogical miracle—music education—is being cut from school systems to save money. The cost to students will be far worse than depriving them of music.

    2. The effects of music education in the public school system has made tremendous achievements. It [DON’T DO THIS 1] has been proven thru many studies that music education helps in cognitive effects within its students. But yet at this day and age its [DON’T DO THIS 2] coming down to funding that music education is being taken out of lower-income and urban areas In doing so it [DON’T DO THIS 3] causes students to lose out on advantages that come with taking on music. A study done by neuroscientist had discovered that in many cases the brains of musicians functioned far more effectively than those who weren’t. By [DON’T DO THIS 4] taking away the music program its [DON’T DO THIS 5] a field that the schools system fails to tap into and use to their advantage to better their students. My hypothesis will be the important role that music education plays in the school curriculum.

    Before you post anything in future, Baritone, do a search for “it” and “by.” They get you into syntax trouble every time. Sentences rewritten without either:

    1. Public school students who receive music education make tremendous achievements.
    2. Science has proven that music education improves students’ cognition.
    3. Funding cuts are removing music education from lower-income and urban areas schools to the detriment of those students.
    4. Neuroscience studies show that the brains of musicians function far more effectively than those of non-musicians.
    5. Schools that cut their music programs fail to tap the brain enhancements music education provides.

    Please note the power of sentences that begin with a strong subject and use the most robust and active verbs.
    STUDENTS RECEIVE. STUDENTS MAKE achievements. [STUDENTS ACHIEVE would be even better.]
    SCIENCE HAS PROVEN.
    EDUCATION IMPROVES.
    CUTS ARE REMOVING.
    STUDIES SHOW.
    BRAINS FUNCTION.
    SCHOOLS FAIL.

    Compare those to the subjects and verbs in your original.
    The EFFECTS of music education in the public school system HAVE MADE tremendous achievements. IT HAS BEEN proven thru many studies that music EDUCATION HELPS in cognitive effects within its students. But yet at this day and age IT IS COMING down to funding that music EDUCATION IS BEING TAKEN out of lower-income and urban areas In doing so IT CAUSES students to lose out on advantages that come with taking on music. A STUDY done by a neuroscientist had DISCOVERED that in many cases the BRAINS of musicians FUNCTION far more effectively than those who weren’t. By taking away the music program IT IS a field that the school SYSTEMS FAIL to tap into and use to their advantage to better their students. My HYPOTHESIS WILL BE be the important role that music education plays in the school curriculum.

    EFFECTS HAVE MADE
    IT HAS BEEN
    EDUCATION HELPS
    IT IS COMING
    EDUCATION IS BEING TAKEN
    IT CAUSES
    A STUDY DISCOVERED
    BRAINS FUNCTION
    IT IS
    SYSTEMS FAIL
    HYPOTHESIS WILL BE

    Compare the lists. Which one keeps readers reading?

    Following Monday’s “Research Tips,” Baritone, I believe you’ll be revising your thesis considerably. When you do, you can return to this post and replace the text with a strong opening for your new thesis. Ask for feedback and a grade upgrade when you do.

    Coded Grade: P

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