Causal Rewrite – collegegirl

Police brutality has caused many males of color to be afraid of law enforcers. The murders of innocent black males such as Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown, Eric Garner, Phillip White and many others, caused movements such as Black Lives Matter, All Lives Matter, Barack Obama’s My Brother’s Keeper movement and many other movements and groups such as these. Studies and recent actions by police officers have caused young black males to feel under engaged and more likely to be victims of police brutality over other races. Young black males to feel terrified, traumatized and nervous that they may be the next victim of police brutality during any given day.

Four years ago, the very popular movement of Black Lives Matter began their organization whose intentions are to build local power within communities and spread the world that Black Lives Matter. Their ultimate goal is to have a world where black lives are no longer the target for police officers. The Black Lives Matter movement promotes voice, they want to be heard. The organizations go around and march for their rights, fighting to get equalization and justice for those who they have lost from the acts of police brutality. On the other side of the Black Lives Matter movement, there is an All Lives Matter Movement. The All Lives Matter activists believe that we shouldn’t highlight that only black lives matter in our world because technically all lives matter. Here’s a controversial topic. In fact, all lives do matter, but the black community has been targeted from the beginning of time going back to slavery and now, being targeted again by the justice system who is supposed to protect its people not harm innocent black males. The list goes on of how many protest and movements there are regarding the police brutality issues we face today. We always see movements on social media and on the news about protest for police brutality, but the real questions is, what are we doing for our youth to ensure them that they are the ones who ca make a change in our justice system today.

Unlike the Black Lives Matter movement which only promotes their organization by marches and protest, Barack Obama created a movement to help the young men of color in the black communities. The My Brother’s Keeper movement was created after the life of an innocent young black male Trayvon Martin was taken and who’s murderer was found not guilty after trial. Obama’s goal for this movement is to help young black men and boys stay on track and providing them with the support and guidance that is necessary to help them build a better future for themselves.

Like every movement, Obama has set six different milestones that he wants all of the participants to accomplish while in the program. Getting a healthy start and and entering school is his very first milestone. Every child should enter school at the appropriate age and not only be physically ready but also emotionally ready to take on the ability to learn in a classroom setting. At the age of 8, reading to comprehend and to understand is extremely important, so Obama’s wants participants to read at grade level by third grade. Graduating from High School and beginning college is the start and foundation of building a career for yourself. Obama believes that all youth should receive quality education in high school that will advance and move them to post secondary education. Of course, entering into college is the easy part, finishing is the hard part. Another one of Obama’s milestone is for Americans to be able to go to post secondary education and graduate which leads them into their careers. Successfully entering the workforce is another milestone. Having a job allows people to provide support for their families. The sixth and final milestone that Obama has in tact for his movement is that kids should be kept on track and given second chances.

With these milestones set in stone for the My Brother’s Keeper movement, it has statistically improved neighborhoods around the country. Since the movement began in 2014, the MBK movement has decreased Compton’s homicide rate by 64%, ignite employment for 10,000 young men in Philadelphia, and empowered 12,000 incarcerated men to educate themselves on the collegiate level and enlist in workforce training. In an article about a community by Yohannes Abraham, the author discusses how a financial service firm in Long Beach California partnered with a mentoring program which students go to their office, fill out applications and do mock interviews with managers. To keep the students motivated, the firm rewards them prizes such as laptops when they reach their GPA goals.

If Obama took this initiative before the death of Trayvon Martin, Martin could still be living today. Obama should have created the movement before police brutality began. Young black males of small communities have been struggling before police brutality even begun. Between gangs, violence between one another, and poverty, young black males have been struggling for many years. Consistent programs that provided young men of color with the correct supervision to point the young men in a positive direction, could have gave the troubled youth the experience and guidance they needed to have before the police brutality rate increased and got to a point that is is today.

When communities come together to help young men and their futures, future’s of young black males will become more positive rather than negative. Providing young black men with guidance and support for their futures through the My Brother’s Keeper program and other programs like it, young males focus will be more on their own future rather than the negatives that are happening around them in their future.

 

Works Cited

Davis, Nicholas Quah Laura E. “Here’s A Timeline Of Unarmed Black People Killed By Police Over Past Year.” BuzzFeed, http://www.buzzfeed.com/nicholasquah/heres-a-timeline-of-unarmed-black-men-killed-by-police-over?utm_term=.kyypRAbJJ#.bbZlp4N33.

“My Brother’s Keeper.” National Archives and Records Administration, National Archives and Records Administration, obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/node/279811.

“Building on What Works With My Brother’s Keeper.” National Archives and Records Administration, National Archives and Records Administration, obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/blog/2014/04/17/building-what-works-my-brother-s-keeper.

Parham, Jason. “My Brother’s Keeper Pushes On As Reality For Black Men Remains In Peril.” The FADER, The FADER, 8 Nov. 2017, http://www.thefader.com/2016/07/08/my-brothers-keeper-celebrates-benchmarks.

 

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4 Responses to Causal Rewrite – collegegirl

  1. 11collegegirl says:

    How’s this for a rewrite causal argument? I tried to explain obviously how police brutally has caused different movements. I introduced and spoke briefly about the Black Lives Matter movement and tried to relate it to the MBK movement by stating that although the BLM movement is to get the word out, its not actually doing anything for the youth.

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  2. davidbdale says:

    I’m not ignoring you, CollegeGirl. Just currently overwhelmed with work for several courses. I look forward to helping you as soon as I’m free.

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  3. davidbdale says:

    STYLE NOTES. I don’t have time for notes on all your paragraphs, but a few things here that you should watch out for. (Others we’ll have to let go at this late date.)

    The acts of policy brutality have caused many effects in the past years.
    (Very weak opening) (What you mean is: Young black men are afraid of the police. How’s that for an opener?)

    After the murders of innocent black males such as Trayvon Martin, Michael Brown, Eric Garner, Phillip White and many others, it
    (Those IT clauses have to go.) (Never use IT as your subject if you really have a subject.) (Your subject is: Murders of innocent black males.) (So use it as your subject: The murders of innocent black males SPAWNED movements.)

    The Murders of innocent black males spawned movements such as Black Lives Matter, All Lives Matter, Barack Obama’s My Brother’s Keeper movement and many other movements and groups such as these.
    (So repetitious.) (You actually literally say: Movements such as ABC, and Other Movements Such as these.)
    Studies and recent actions by police officers have caused young black males to feel under-engaged and more likely to be victims of police brutality over other races.

    These actions
    (Weak opening. These actions are beatings, shakedowns, intimidation, false arrests, forced confessions . . . . ) have also caused young black males to feel undermined, timid, nervous
    (Sure, maybe, but how about terrified, traumatized, and always under suspicion?)
    (Lose all of this: and other emotions of that nature because of the worry they have to face when being) around police officers.

    Years of shakedowns, intimidation, false arrests, forced confessions, and beatings have young black males terrified to be around police officers.

    Your argument and evidence are the primary grade earners, CollegeGirl, but style points can easily add or subtract a full grade level, even more for rhetorical genius or serious flaws.

    LATE ADDITION: Two more times in your two-sentence conclusion, you use IT as your subject when you have an actual subject.

    When communities get together to help young men and their futures, IT will make the nations communities better in the future. Providing young black men with guidance and support for their futures through the My Brother’s Keeper program and other programs like it, IT allows them to focus on things such as a better future and not just what’s happening with the world around us with police brutality.

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  4. davidbdale says:

    The material is useful, CollegeGirl, but you haven’t actually created a Causal Argument. You use the backdrop of wrongful death, murder by police, intimidation of young black males by law enforcement to establish a tone, but you don’t connect the dots.

    You simply provide a time stamp for two events. Trayvon Martin was killed. Therefore the President launched a program. Did Obama make any sort of pronouncement to explain the timing? Did he demonstrate that MBK resulted from the Martin killing?

    Is there any indication that if Trayvon Martin had been reached by the MBK movement BEFORE he took that walk through the gated white neighborhood he would have met a different fate? In other words, what’s the CONNECTION between TM and MBK?

    One more missed opportunity. You share with readers that BLM is criticized for focusing on the rights and importance of just one portion of the population: black lives. Do you hear the similarity there to the complaint lodged against MBK that it basically says: Young Black Male Lives Matter, ignoring other ages and all females?

    Is that helpful, CollegeGirl?
    I would appreciate your response.

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