Robust Verbs- Yoshi

There is a huge problem in Vancouver, concerning heroin addicts. A program was designed, that gave the addicts free heroin.  Even with the “free heroin for addicts” project crime rates continue to rise. It is obvious that addicts have a hard time getting through their day to day lives. The program does not help addicts avoid heroin. The program does however, help the streets of Vancouver become a better place with less crime. Heroin users also fill the hospital because of their infections from dirty needles. The program gives addicts free heroin in the cleanest way possible. The ‘free heroin for addicts” program will in turn fix the city, but not the addiction that these people face.

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3 Responses to Robust Verbs- Yoshi

  1. davidbdale says:

    You’ve left behind some very weak verbs, problematic “due to” and “by” constructions, and repetitive material. [I’ve used brackets to combine things that could be combined and reduced.]

    In Vancouver, heroin addicts are committing crimes to support their habits. The “free heroin for addicts” program is doing everything they can to stop the addicts. Large crime rates are due to the addicts in the area. Addicts have a hard time going through their everyday lives. Daily activities such as jobs, interactions, and relationships are hard to maintain because the addicts are using. By heroin users being addicted, they
    [will do whatever they have to do to get their hands on the drug. The types of crimes committed are those of breaking and entering as well as stealing. There are no limits to where they will go to retrieve this drug so that they can feed their addiction.]
    The problem with this program is that it won’t help to ween these addicts off using heroin. The program is only trying to save the city from rising crime rates that they’re up to. By providing the drug, these addicts will be off the streets, which in turn will prevent them from committing minor street crimes. This will also keep the heroin users out of the hospital, because the hospitals have to deal with people that want to use bad drugs or unsanitary needles and find themselves being unable to afford hospital bills and hard to cope without the drug. This program gives people free heroin in the cleanest way possible. This will in turn fix the city but not the addiction that these people face.

    Score so far 1/3
    If you need clarification about the weak verbs or the problem of “by” constructions, just ask. I’ll be happy to explain.
    Put this into the Grade Please category if you decide to revise.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. yoshi189 says:

    I have took your advise and revised. Thank you.

    Like

  3. davidbdale says:

    Your radical cuts are thrilling, Yoshi. Good for you. You’ve created a version that eliminates the repetition and wordiness that made the original so weak. I’m happy to award you the rest of the exercise points, 3/3.

    On the other hand, your version can still be improved. For example, look how almost all of your sentences start:

    There is a huge problem in Vancouver, concerning heroin addicts. A program was designed, that gave the addicts free heroin. Even with the “free heroin for addicts” project crime rates continue to rise. It is obvious that addicts have a hard time getting through their day to day lives. The program does not help addicts avoid heroin. The program does however, help the streets of Vancouver become a better place with less crime. Heroin users also fill the hospital because of their infections from dirty needles. The program gives addicts free heroin in the cleanest way possible. The ‘free heroin for addicts” program will in turn fix the city, but not the addiction that these people face.

    Naturally, the program is your subject, but readers bore easily and tire of sentence sameness. What if:

    Vancouver has a huge problem with heroin addiction. Even with its “free heroin for addicts” project, the crime rate continues to rise. Addicts, who have a hard time getting through their daily lives, fill the hospital because of their infections from dirty needles. The program, which does help the streets of Vancouver become a better place with less crime, does not help addicts avoid heroin. It delivers heroin to addicts in the cleanest way possible, which helps fix the city but not the addiction that these people face.

    Just one possible solution.

    Like

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