Causal rewrite–childishharambe

 

Television is making me fat

We see advertising for more unhealthy eating than we do for healthy and it’s beginning to become a problem. In recent years, the obesity rate has nearly doubled since 1980 according to the Obesity Society.  This would lead one to believe that the media can influence people to do .  The media glorifies McDonald’s french fries and will continue to do so until we decide to do something about it. The Obesity Society led by their corresponding author, Youfa Wang states, “On average, the prevalence of overweight and obesity has increased steadily among all US population groups over the past two to three decades.” Obesity does not have a preference on gender or race. This may lead one to wonder “Will all Americans one day become overweight or obese?”  We can put an end or regress the spiraling upward trend of obesity in Americans but it is going to take a revolution to do so.

It’s known that children can be more easily swayed compared to adults.  Everyone else in the household to go with it.  Going out with children can be stressful because children have a hard time deciding what they actually want.   Parent’s raise their children hoping that their children will begin to understand the difference between want and need.  Parents need to be held responsible for their children and their health. The World Health Organization and other leading institutions both international and domestic have provided or atlas [atleast] attempted to create a body mass index or BMI. The purpose of a BMI is to determine what weight is a healthy weight depending on height and age. According to the LA County Department of Public Health, “42% of children are obese or overweight.” That is almost half of the entire county and should alarm anyone who has kids or plans on having kids.

We see children that would rather play online instead of outside with their friends. Parents who allow their child to become obese should be subject to punishment for a list of reasons starting off with they have total control in what their child puts in their stomach.  The media is good at tempting viewers. The media makes it seem like it’s okay to give into temptation.  Sometimes we don’t have the time to make something real quick or just are too lazy to do the dishes afterwards. They provide celebrities and other icons that draw attention and better relate to what they are watching.  Most of the time the media draws attention by showing something totally irrelevant to what they are trying to market.  The commercial could start off with two people playing basketball who when finished drink a Sprite to quench their thirst. Once we censor the media [censor the audit?] and become educated on the media we can begin to see real change when it comes to many of the problems we face.

Children who have bad eating habits will end up turning into overweight teenagers and end up becoming obese adults with health problems.  There is a trend of poor health and it all start with what families feed their children at home. Another big impact on what children eat is at school. Eating healthy isn’t fun, but a big reason is because the media made it seem that way and parents have said anything that goes against it. Americans have glorified going out to eat; a luxury not everyone can afford it. Where a person goes to eat is very important. What child does not love getting to go to McDonalds for lunch?  The media targets children with toys, happy meals, and even play houses. We should begin to glorify cooking together what we see on television except with real food, healthier food that benefit not only our children but our pockets. Eating healthy should not be looked at as a punishment, but being obese should be looked at as a crime. The fact that obesity in children is rising is a major problem that should not be taken lightly.  It’s time we create punishments for parents who fail to recognize their children’s health as a big deal and if they are failing to realize that then they are failing as a parent.

Works Cited

Wang YBeydoun MAThe obesity epidemic in the United States—gender, age, socioeconomic, racial/ethnic, and geographic characteristics: a systematic review and meta-regression analysisEpidemiol Rev  200729628.

Klein, S., Allison, D. B., Heymsfield, S. B., Kelley, D. E., Leibel, R. L., Nonas, C. and Kahn, R. (2007), Waist Circumference and Cardiometabolic Risk: A Consensus Statement from Shaping America’s Health: Association for Weight Management and Obesity Prevention; NAASO, The Obesity Society; the American Society for Nutrition; and the American Diabetes

Reilly John JArmstrong JulieDorosty Ahmad REmmett Pauline MNess ARogers I et al. Early life risk factors for obesity in childhood: cohort study

7 thoughts on “Causal rewrite–childishharambe”

  1. I’m requesting feedback on this rewrite. I already see many weak points in my paper that need to be changed but after reading my paper which parts could be rewritten better to overall make my argument stronger.

    feedback provided
    —DSH

    Like

    1. Harambe, you do name several causes of obesity, but honestly you do little but name them. Your sources offer no evidence to support your causal claims: two simply state the numbers of obese persons; the third says that a Body Mass Index establishes a healthy standard. Nothing anywhere indicates that your named culprits: 1) Fast Food, 2) Eating out, 3) Laziness, or 4) Parental Neglect cause obesity in adults or children.

      Without evidence, we rely entirely on our logic, reasoning, and rhetoric to persuade readers of the correctness of our opinions. For your argument to succeed on language skills alone, you’ll need to eliminate vagueness and wordiness, and correct your grammar and punctuation errors.

      I’ve done some highlighting.
      BLUE indicates repetition or wordiness. Both need to be trimmed.
      RED indicates an illegal use of the Banned 2nd Person.
      GREEN indicates a grammar or punctuation error.
      PURPLE indicates a weak pronoun, especially to open a sentence (It, This, That).

      If you could revise to correct these problems, then as again for feedback, using the familiar two-word phrase without a comma [Not “feedback, please” but the same without the comma], I will respond promptly with more substantive commentary on your arguments.

      Like

  2. Harambe, you do name several causes of obesity, but honestly you do little but name them. Your sources offer no evidence to support your causal claims: two simply state the numbers of obese persons; the third says that a Body Mass Index establishes a healthy standard. Nothing anywhere indicates that your named culprits: 1) Fast Food, 2) Eating out, 3) Laziness, or 4) Parental Neglect cause obesity in adults or children.

    Without evidence, we rely entirely on our logic, reasoning, and rhetoric to persuade readers of the correctness of our opinions. For your argument to succeed on language skills alone, you’ll need to eliminate vagueness and wordiness, and correct your grammar and punctuation errors.

    I’ve done some highlighting.
    BLUE indicates repetition or wordiness. Both need to be trimmed.
    RED indicates an illegal use of the Banned 2nd Person.
    GREEN indicates a grammar or punctuation error.
    PURPLE indicates a weak pronoun, especially to open a sentence (It, This, That).

    If you could revise to correct these problems, then as again for feedback, using the familiar two-word phrase without a comma [Not “feedback, please” but the same without the comma], I will respond promptly with more substantive commentary on your arguments.

    Like

  3. If you know how to create hyperlinks in your Works Cited, please do, Harambe. Link the title of your articles to their online web sources so readers can click straight through to the articles you use to support your arguments.

    If you don’t know how to create the links, you’ll need to provide the URLs for the sources so I can help you link to them.

    Please reply.
    —DSH

    Like

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