In my research I am going to shine the light on the many unjust realities against people of color in our U.S. justice system. Our Justice system was designed to punish every person who breaks the law to the fullest extent of the law. If someone robs a bank our justice system is supposed to give them the maximum punishment established by law. In many cases this is not what happens. In cases around the U.S. people of color are being sentenced to longer jail times than a Caucasian person who committed the same crime.
According to a graph on the population of prisoners under correctional supervision was around 6,000,000 in 2014. It is shown that 60 percent of those incarcerated are people of color. That means approximately 3,600,000 of those people were either African American or Hispanic. This is a problem overlooked by the U.S. Someone might object to the fact that there is a problem but my research will expose the problem in the justice system.
Sources
The Essential Content of the Article: This is a website that gives the annual population of the United States. It also gives the populations percentages of different races.
What it Proves: The numbers given in my research are accurate.
The Essential Content of the Article: This article presents numerous facts about the unjust problems in the United States justice system. It mostly highlights the vast amount of people of color incarcerated.
What is Proves: People of color are being flooded in the correction system.
3. “Criminal Justice Fact Sheet”
The Essential Content of the Article: This article proposes the percentages of crimes such as having illegal drugs witch committed by people of color and Caucasians. It shows that even though it is the same crime people of color are more likely to get arrested and convicted.
What it Proves: It proves that there is a problem that should be fixed in the system.
4. “Stanley ‘Tookie’ Williams”
The Essential Content of the Article: This file gives the details of the crime committed by Stanley. It shows how his conviction played out from his crime to his execution.
What it Proves: It proves that Stanley committed murder and was punishes to the fullest extent of the law by the death penalty.
5. “Charles Manson”
The Essential Content of the Article: This file gives details of the crimes committed my Charles Manson. It reports the case against Charles Manson in it’s entirety.
What it Proves: It proves that Manson was found guilty on murder and conspiracy and was sentenced to death but was granted life in prison because the state of California abolished the death penalty.
Rowan Counterintuitive 
Feedback Provided.
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OK, Savage, let’s get started. Feedback for this post will be a little different than for the Stone Money essay. You’ll receive just an overall grade, always provisional, that you can improve any time by revising your post and asking for a regrade.
Your first sentence is encouraging because the topic is so crucial, but disturbing because it’s SOOOOOOO broad it can’t qualify as an essay topic . . . book topic, maybe.
Your second sentence suggests that there can be no mitigating circumstances; it might even suggest that if a crime can warrant a sentence of between 5 years and life, life should be the judgment every time. (Just saying.)
To avoid the Fails For Grammar problem of someone “them,” as you do, eliminate the pronoun someone AND eliminate the needless If/then construction. Not:
But:
AFTER ALL THAT. THIS IS A THESIS!
In cases around the U.S. people of color are being sentenced to longer jail times than a Caucasian person who committed the same crime.
I often (always!) wonder why any writer would place the thesis anywhere but in the first sentence. I have to blame writing programs that recommend a slow and gradual buildup from general statements to the eventual revelation of something worth reading. I don’t get it. Maybe 100 years ago, readers took the time. Today, we need to grab them from the get.
If I didn’t love you, I might have quit after this:
But I will always read further after this:
Remember, the primary job of Sentence One is to get readers to read Sentence Two.
Your “evidence” does not prove what you want it to. You claim “longer jail times.” Racial percentages of inmates doesn’t prove that. It might prove discriminatory convictions, predatory arrests, too many rejected appeals, but not “longer jail times,” unless you can prove that the percentages are skewed toward dark-skinned inmates BECAUSE the white inmates got out of jail earlier, leaving convicts of color behind.
Source 1. Your “Essential Content” explanation is terribly misleading. Who cares about the overall population of the US? You do, but only if it provides the proportionality numbers you’re looking for. If it does, you need to say so. I approve that it’s a .gov website.
Source 2. “numerous facts about unjust problems” is a good example of “talking about” your data. It doesn’t begin to indicate whether the “facts” support your thesis or not, or how. See https://rowancounterintuitive.com/lectures/revision-group/revision-proposals/ for help on how to Purposefully Summarize, not Describe, your Essential Content. Your source identifies itself as a source of “Progressive” ideas. Critical readers will accuse the site of bias. How will you defend against that claim?
Source 3. The site does not prove what you say it proves. It quotes “use” statistics, but makes its comparisons to “drug offenses.”
Do you see the problem in the highlights, Savage? I want you to be able to prove your thesis if it’s true, but this doesn’t do it. If African Americans represent 12% of the population USING, but 59% of those incarcerated for USING, you have a case. Otherwise . . . you need a better statistic.
This example is part of the larger problem you’ll have . . . one I hope you will solve. This will illustrate:
You would laugh me out of the debate if I tried to present that as evidence of the justice system’s prejudice against men. Imagine the same standard of evidence applied to your argument. How do you demonstrate that the number of African Americans arrested and convicted of drug offenses is wildly disproportionate to the percentage of African Americans committing drug offenses?
Regarding Williams and Manson, how much of the disparity in their sentences derives from jurisdiction? If Williams had done his murders in California, would he have been sentenced to death?
I’m holding you to a high standard here because I respect your intentions and your commitment, Savage. I’d like your essay to actually prove something. Let’s go.
Grade So Far: F
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